Hat Describing Contest

The Hat Describing Contest is a contest that was announced on August 24, 2010.

Following criticism that previous TF2 contests shunned players that lacked above-average skill in computer modeling, the TF2 team announced the competition in a blog post. The aim was to introduce a contest that would be accessible to the majority of the community, albeit those registered on the Steam forums. The object of the contest was to allow members of the community to write descriptions for the various in-game items and hats available at the time.

Guidelines and Deadline

The deadline for the Hat Describing Contest was August 27, 2010. Submissions were posted in a series of specially-created threads on the Steam Users' Forums.

Submission Rules

Give a brief, interesting description of the item in 75 words or less.
You must be the sole author of the description and the material must be original to you.
The winning descriptions for each item will be determined by the TF2 team and may be used in-game.

Prizes

There were no prizes per se, besides the winners' entries being added to the game.

List of winners

Forum name	Class	Hat	Description	Forum post
TheTwoTonHammer	Scout	Batter's Helmet	You'll be batting a thousand (skulls in) when you don this red piece of plastic!	[16703947&postcount=92 Link]
PrO-bOy	Scout	Bonk Helm	When drinking one radioactive beverage at a time is not enough.	[16728530&postcount=238 Link]
Doreauxgard42	Scout	Ye Olde Baker Boy	Extra! Extra! You're frickin' dead!	[16691190&postcount=15 Link]
AndyAML	Scout	Baseball Bill's Sports Shine	Everyone knows that speed is a Scout’s best friend. Why weigh yourself down with bulky hats when you can break the sound barrier without them?	[16696136&postcount=84 Link]
spam_word	Scout	Troublemaker's Tossle Cap	Straight outta control point.	[16698209&postcount=73 Link]
Sketch56	Scout	Whoopee Cap	You'd have to be a jughead not to realize this cap is the pinnacle of fashion for the discerning youth.	[16691818&postcount=22 Link]
Man Of Faith ™	Soldier	Soldier's Stash	This hat does not in any way, shape or form, promote smoking or gambling.	[16694513&postcount=60 Link]
DrMelon	Soldier	Tyrant's Helm	I kicked your ass so hard it went back in time and got me this VIKING HAT.	[16701458&postcount=143 Link]
cypherx82	Soldier	Stainless Pot	Protects cranium from bullets and shrapnel. Also heats soup.	[16705785&postcount=235 Link]
Lamech	Soldier	Gentle Manne's Service Medal	Given to those few, brave soldiers whom stood guard valiantly, without sleep, nourishment, or a social life.	[16711456&postcount=33 Link]
f3doraman	Soldier	Killer's Kabuto	A haiku for war. To defeat one's enemies. Honor the crocket.	[16742747&postcount=299 Link]
peregrine7	Soldier	Sergeant's Drill Hat	This hat is a handy replacement for profanity-filled ranting when you don't feel like shouting yourself hoarse.	[16691028&postcount=19 Link]
Colonelcool	Pyro	Respectless Rubber Glove	It doesn't matter how much people respect you when they're on fire.	[16696827&postcount=131 Link]
crushilista	Pyro	Triboniophorus Tyrannus	At least he's still telling you to burn things.	[p=16714048&postcount=308 Link]
ASpieboy	Pyro	Vintage Merryweather	Pyro wears this in tribute to the many firefighters who have perished trying to quell his flames.	[16695914&postcount=65 Link]
JJ10DMAN	Pyro	Whiskered Gentleman	The most distinguished tape-on fire-retardant facial hair available, for the discerning gentleman of conflagration.	[16708083&postcount=15 Link]
icenine0	Demoman	Tippler's Tricorne	Three sharp corners mean one sharp hat. Don't poke your eye out.	[16692128&postcount=27 Link]
Potatoblight	Heavy	Officer's Ushanka	This hat was made of bear hands. That bear was killed with bare hands.	[16691082&postcount=21 Link]
FarazParsa	Heavy	Tough Guy's Toque	Because when you're the toughest Mother Hubbard in the fort, nobody's criticizing your fashion sense.	[16691575&postcount=21 Link]
Silentman	Heavy	Hound Dog	Your opponents will be all shook up when they see these sweet shades and coif.	[16692791&postcount=45 Link]
ravn0s	Engineer	Mining Light	For Engineers with bright ideas.	[16725207&postcount=175 Link]
drewhead118	Engineer	Texas Ten Gallon	Though it looks like a simple ten-gallon hat, this modern feat of engineering actually contains more moving parts than a level 2 Sentry Gun.	[16691913&postcount=24 Link]
FarazParsa	Engineer	Texas Slim's Dome Shine	Sometimes you just need a little less hat.	[16691465&postcount=34 Link]
Shapechanger	Engineer	Hotrod	Mock the sun with streaks of flame as the UV rays bounce harmlessly away from your eyeballs.	[16690629&postcount=9 Link]
foxtrot261	Engineer	Safe'n'Sound	It gets difficult trying to calculate the total external applied torque to a body's rotational motion through its moment of momentum vector while the distracting sounds of gunfire and death are all around you. Build a better, safer machine with the silence of the Safe'n'Sound!	[16740730&postcount=320 Link]
This_Is_Not_Spy	Medic	Prussian Pickelhaube	A relic from one war brought into another. Your enemy will get the point.	[16690736&postcount=9 Link]
CptObvious	Medic	Otolaryngologist's Mirror	We can't pronounce it either.	[16691543&postcount=16 Link]
AgentJAK	Medic	Physician's Procedure Mask	Scrub in... things are about to get messy.	[16709521&postcount=23 Link]
Esquilax	Medic	Gentleman's Gatsby	While lacking the cachet of other hats, the Gatsby nonetheless possesses its own sartorial elegance. Its understated and affable charm appeals to everyone, whether playing a round of golf with friends or performing non-elective surgery with a well-polished Bonesaw.	[16741120&postcount=124 Link]
Limeaide	Sniper	Trophy Belt	Any old sap can pull teeth from a dead crocodile. It takes a man to pull teeth from a live one.	[16699324&postcount=81 Link]
Nineaxis	Sniper	Professional's Panama	A polite, efficient hat to wear when killing everyone you meet.	[16690063&postcount=3 Link]
Magi Kavin	Sniper	Master's Yellow Belt	Only a master of Jarate earns the right to wear this once-white bandanna, stained yellow from the rigors of a harsh training regimen.	[16690008&postcount=3 Link]
Jinbei	Sniper	Ritzy Rick's Hair Fixative	His bullet was close. I lost my hat. My bullet was closer. He lost his head.	[16723126&postcount=172 Link]
G.I.R.	Sniper	Shooter's Sola Topi	Perfect for exploring the outback and the inside of people's heads.	[16690574&postcount=5 Link]
Reclaimer077	Sniper	Bloke's Bucket Hat	Gone Snipin'.	[16692146&postcount=22 Link]
Kenori	Spy	Fancy Fedora	This smooth, suave, silk-lined beauty can turn any amateur backstabber into a handsome rogue.	[16693016&postcount=50 Link]
caeonosphere	Spy	Backbiter's Billycock	For when you wish your head was a little taller, but just as round on top.	[16691126&postcount=11 Link]
Codo	Spy	Camera Beard	You wouldn't mind if I read this top secret document with my beard, would you?	[16732315&postcount=176 Link]
Shapechanger	Spy	Magistrate's Mullet	They say justice is blind. What they don't tell you is that justice is also invisible, and also less interested in justice than murder.	[16691131&postcount=18 Link]
SoulDestroy	Spy	Frenchman's Beret	Because real espionage is an artform.	[16714353&postcount=124 Link]
AndyAML	All classes	Cheater's Lament	Though some would stop at nothing to achieve hats, you remained resolute and incorruptible in your quest for head decorations. For that, you have been rewarded.	[16697084&postcount=112 Link]
Esquilax	All classes	Ghastly Gibus	Elegant simplicity and old-world charm combined with the heady aromas of mould and grave dust.	[16695701&postcount=65 Link]
Duffren	All classes	Mildly Disturbing Halloween Mask	Brown paper never looked so mildly disturbing.	[16697847&postcount=87 Link]
Calvary	All classes	Bill's Hat	Left 4 You.	[16711985&postcount=191 Link]
Fredrik1ST	All classes	Modest Pile of Hat	Because a Gentleman is not one without one.	[16703909&postcount=109 Link]
Nekopawed	All classes	Noble Amassment of Hats	For the Gentleman who believes even his hat deserves a hat.	[16706550&postcount=86 Link]
Coconuts	All classes	Towering Pillar of Hats	A-ha-ha! You are as PRESUMPTUOUS as you are POOR and IRISH. Tarnish notte the majesty of my TOWER of HATS.	[16720507&postcount=238 Link]
crushilista	All classes	Mercenary	Even though you were late to the party, you were still the life of it.	[16712168&postcount=27 Link]
Optimus357	All classes	Soldier of Fortune	Sure, some may have been doing it longer. But you've proven few can do it better.	[16716237&postcount=27 Link]
SappinMySentry	All classes	Grizzled Veteran	Display this on your chest proudly, Soldier. Each time you kill someone, they'll know they weren't the first.	[16708532&postcount=7 Link]
NB820	All classes	Primeval Warrior	A true warrior's medal, given to those who fought before the battle even started.	[16707885&postcount=7 Link]
Grug	All classes	Alien Swarm Parasite	This cute little guy was once the scourge of humanity in another time and place. Now he's content to ride on your head and keep the sun off.	[16690096&postcount=9 Link]